I Just Learned Something New



This week was tough but beautiful.

It was tough because of Helene’s passing. She really was an important part of our budding community, and she will be missed very much.

It was beautiful to see community come together and pay their respects. Torah teaches that visiting a shiva home not only consoles the family of the deceased, but also consoles the deceased themselves.

Seeing everyone come together and pray in her home, share stories, memories and just be there for her family was really a beautiful thing to be a part of. It felt right.

I also learned two things. One thing that someone else said, and one thing that I said.

1) Helene’s son shared a story of how she came to visit them in Phoenix recently, and their house was a wreck (two young children at home and no housekeeper due to Covid). They opened the door and apologetically explained why it was so messy. They were expecting her to start helping them clean. Instead, she exclaimed, “You’ll have plenty of time for a clean home when you get older!” and she took them to the zoo.

I needed to hear that!

2) Many community members were reminiscing about how strong of a learner Helene was. She attended many classes and was very intellectually honest. While she wouldn’t let me (or Natanya) get away without making sense, she never came across as a bother.

After sharing a few of these stories, her children said something I wasn’t expecting.

“We didn’t see that side of our mother. To us, she was a mother, aunt, grandma, partier and teacher. We never saw the student side of her.”

The lesson to me was that doing the mitzvah of comforting mourners was more profound than I ever realized. Many times you don’t know what to say at a shiva house (you’re actually supposed to be silent until the mourners open the conversation- let them lead it).

Even when I do say something, it sometimes feels inadequate because of course they knew their mother better than I did. It felt so good to be able to share a side of their mother that I had a better view of than they did! And they appreciated it.

This is what the mitzvah of comforting mourners is all about, and it’s a big mitzvah.

What an honor to be surrounded by such a special group of people that can give and receive from each other in such a beautiful way.

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