The Benefits of Fighting with Your Spouse

 


Did anyone ever tell you not to fight with your spouse?  In my opinion, that's a strategy for sabotaging any marriage and for sure won't produce desired results.  In fact, I believe that fighting is the most valuable tool in achieving a real marriage.  It just has to be done right. 

Here's what I mean:  What is the purpose of marriage?  To bear children? To derive pleasure?  To not be lonely? 

As the bible says right in the beginning (this weeks Torah portion, Bereishis), the purpose of marriage is "and they will become one flesh."  Becoming one flesh, is not only physical.  It's means to become one in every sense of the word.  As the story of a chossid who came to the doctor with his injured wife and said, "our foot hurts." 

It's a nice story, but how is it practically possible to become one with another person?  You're two different people!? 

I think the answer is through fighting.  Okay, it's not really fighting, but working through differences. 

Before I attempt to explain how to fight properly, let's explore the two alternatives to fighting:  the win-lose way, and the lose-win way.  The win-lose way, is the path many choose, and they steamroll their spouse.   "My way must be better than yours, and I care about you, so we'll do it my way."  The lose-win way, is to become a "yes man" and suffer silently, while your spouse gets whatever they want. 

Do you think either of those paths lead to "becoming one flesh" as the bible says?  I don't. 

Just like there are two ways to not fight, there are two ways to yes fight.  The first one is what probably rushed through your mind when you read the subject line.  It's a never ending butting of heads.  Lots of arguing and no one gets what they want.  It's called lose-lose.

The true way to fight, is to become one flesh.  There is a way for me to be 100% me, and you to be 100% you at the same time, even though we are polar opposites.  The journey of marriage is mastering this.

This method of fighting is the tool to become one.  It takes incredible humility to fight like this.  Firstly, it must be done with understanding and respect .  Then, together, we figure out how I can be 100% me and she can be 100% her at the same time.  Sometimes, compromise will happen, but not because either of us gave up.  It's because we realize that I can still be 100% me without my prior position. 

This method does not always reach resolution.  It's like the fire in a light bulb that doesn't burn out because there's no oxygen or the burning bush that Moses found.  Since it was never resolved, it just kept on burning. 

This is the secret to not getting bored in marriage!  Two opposites coexisting without either one extinguishing the other create the friction of passion.  And it is passion that is the secret for a marriage to last forever.

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