Yom Kippur: Day of I'm Sorry, Day of Unconditional Acceptance, Day of Sensitivity
Yom Kippur 2018 - Three Sermons
Day of I'm Sorry, Day of Unconditional Acceptance, Day of Sensitivity
Sermon 1 - Day of I’m Sorry
Based on Likutei Sichos vol. 4 page 1150 note 8&
Derech mitzvosecha מצות וידוי ותשובה
Joke: Spotted Owl
Next case, Mr. John Smith vs. State
of California. The judge looks at the
case and turns to Mr. Smith. “Mr. Smith,
you are accused of hunting the endangered spotted owl. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Guilty, with an explanation your
honor.”
“Let me hear” says the judge.
“Well you see your honor, I was on
a camping trip and lost my way. I was
wondering about the forest for two days without anything to eat. I was beginning to fear for my life, took my
rifle, and shot the first thing I could see.”
“Case dismissed”, says the
judge. “Let it be known that this court
combines mercy with justice.”
As the court begins to empty, the
judge calls over Mr. Smith.
“Mr. Smith,” “As an avid hunter
I’ve always been curious what a spotted owl tastes like. Since it’s an endangered species, It’ll
always be a mystery for me. Can you
please indulge my curiosity and try to describe it?”
“Well your honor,” says Mr.
Smith. “If I had to describe it, I would
say that it tastes something like a combination of the California Condor and
the Bald Eagle.”
Question: Why does “I’m sorry” work?
My dear friends. Yom Kippur is the day to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to my wife, I’m sorry to my
children, I’m sorry to my friends. It’s
time that we say I’m sorry to G-d.
But why does “I’m sorry” work? The first prerequisite for “I’m sorry” to
work is that whatever we did to harm someone else has to stop.
Optional Story: Monk Carrying the woman
A senior monk and a junior monk
were traveling together. At one point,
they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to
cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting
to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other
side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to
touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her
across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his
journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining
his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between
them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain
himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a
woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the
other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to
cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting
to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other
side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to
touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her
across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his
journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining
his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between
them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain
himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a
woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the
other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
It must be that we have to leave the past on the other side of the river.
It must by that we do leave last
year on the other side of the river. But
how does Teshuva really work? Just
because I came to synagogue and paid off the rabbi, can I continue life as
usual? There are some religions that
will do that for you, but not here. On
the flip side, what does Teshuva really accomplish? Do I get a green light to continue? Am I washing away sins? Or am I actually fixing the damage done by
them?
Let’s examine this a little bit
closer:
Story: “It’s over, but it’s not really over”
A woman was once telling me about a
fidelity episode with her husband. As
you can imagine, there were many angles and it was a complicated
situation. Just as the conversation was
ending, she said, “well, it’s over, but it’s not really over. We’ve moved on, but we haven’t really moved
on.”
At first, I wondered, what is she
talking about. Either it’s over, or it’s
not over. What did she mean that it’s
over but it’s not really over? Is her
husband still cheating on her or not? If
he’s not, is there anything he could do to really take away the damage to put
the issue to rest?
Two Levels of Teshuva
I’d like to suggest that there may
be two stages. The first is the bare
minimum that will allow us to continue our relationship, even though the damage
was already done. That’s the first “it’s over”.
Then there’s a solution that can transform us back into the turtle doves
we were under the chuppah and repair the damage done. That is the real “it’s over.”
1.
The bare minimum is a
strong resolution to never go back there.
If I knew that it would never happen again, I would have the motivation
to stay in the relationship and give it another shot. If you can’t give up hunting the bald eagles
though, it’s a nonstarter. But even if
you can manage to come back all the way and never turn back to the dark path,
the damage was still done. How do we fix
that?
2.
What would take me back to
the turtle dove days and fix whatever damage was done is knowing that the
thought of what used to cause pleasure would become a source of pain. If I knew that my spouse was pained just
thinking about cheating on me, and that the very thing that used to cause
pleasure is now embarrassment and regret, that would heal the wound.
You see, until that pleasure of sin is taken away, I’ll never really get
over it. It sounds a bit sadistic, that
I need you to experience pain to heal, but that’s how G-d made us. Knowing that you can get pleasure from the
very thing that gives me pain, doesn’t let me truly get over it until it’s
reversed.
In summary: I’ll get pleasure
& closure from your pain, which reverses the pleasure you got from my pain.
In other words, to completely mend a wound, you’ve gotta become a new person!
Yes, what that means is that it’ll
never really be over until you become a new person! You all know that this is true. You could only truly forgive the people that
hurt you in your life if they became new people!
The Bonus
I can see that the older people are
nodding their heads in agreement with what I’m saying. However, the younger folks look a bit
puzzled. They may be thinking, “Wow, I
pity all those people that made such terrible mistakes in their life. Nebach, they have to learn to forgive and
move on. I’m sure that I’ll be different
and won’t make those mistakes.”
The truth though is that you aren’t
really married until you make it through the rough times and fix them. To the point that I pity the people that
never had any hard times to work through!
They say to not take marriage
advice from someone married less than 10 years.
Why? Probably because by that
time, the worst of both of them will have already come out and the marriage
still withstood the test of time.
If it weren’t for idol worship, we’d only have half a Torah!
The Talmud actually teaches that if
it weren’t for idol worship, the Torah would be only half the size! We would only have had one set of tablets
(the first were broken at the sin of the golden calf) and the entire book of
Prophets is all about prophets admonishing us for worshipping foreign
gods. Almost all of the 24 books of
Prophets are a rerun of the same story:
The Jews started to worship idols, bad things started to happen, the
prophet admonishes them and sets them on the right path again, and then they
fall back into idol worship again. Literally,
there would be hardly anything left without mistakes!
Just as a bones rarely break in the
same place, the bond that evolves from mending mistakes to our loved ones is an
unbreakable bond that will make our relationships deeper than we could have
ever imagined.
Conclusion: Brocha
I’d like to finish by giving all of
us a blessing that all of our relationships blossom this year. Our relationships with our spouses. Our relationships with our children. And yes, our relationship with Hashem. G-d is our Father in Heaven, and he does want
us to have a real relationship with Him.
Truly regretting mistakes takes sensitivity
My blessing for all of us is that
all of our relationships should blossom into beautiful, meaningful and
fulfilling relationships. All of the
mistakes that we’ve made, we should have the self-awareness to leave behind,
the courage to say I’m sorry and the sensitivity to actually feel the pain of
those that we’ve hurt to the extent that it’s our pain. And then, our spouses, children & Hashem
will truly forgive us!
Think that you don’t have the
sensitivity within to feel the pain of Hashem and our loved ones for our
mistakes? We’ll talk about that before
Neila.
Gut Yontef
Sermon 2 - Day of Unconditional Acceptance
Based on Likutei Sichos Vol 4 Yom Kippur
Joke: Dr. Jack Cohen
A women was pushing a stroller down the street, when a
friendly neighbor approaches, “Oh, how cute.
How old are they?” The Jewish
mother looks at her and says, “The doctor is two and the lawyer is 4.”
Question: When they grow up
But what happens 25 years later when Jack decides that he
wants to be a musician and Harry wants to be an artist?! Will their mother still accept them?
Point: Yom Kippur is the day of Unconditional Acceptance
My friends, Yom Kippur is that day of unconditional
acceptance. G-d put us in this world,
and it’s a grind. He has some
expectations, and tells us how to live our lives as doctors and lawyers to
fulfill our mission as best we can. We
try our best, but we’re human. We make
mistakes. Some mistakes are between us
and G-d. Some of our mistakes are
between us and other people, especially family.
The only difference is that there is nothing wrong with
wanting to be a musician or an artist.
There is something wrong with hurting people or for that matter, G-d.
Summary of Last night’s talk:
Last night we spoke about Teshuva. When we wrong someone and want to fix it, the
first step is making a firm commitment not to go there again. To truly fix the damage though, the one
asking forgiveness has to reach a new state of mind and become a new person. Keeping my commitment not to violate you
again is a good start, but until the thought of violating makes me nauseous,
the person who was wronged will never feel total closure.
In summary, we all have expectations of each other. We have expectations from our parents, our
children and our spouses. If everything
would go as planned and we always met expectations, life would be simple (but
sadly shallow).
This explains why a Baal Teshuva is Greater than a Tzaddik
This is why the Talmud teaches that a Tzaddik (someone who
never made mistakes) cannot reach the same level as a Baal Teshuva (someone
that made a mistake and then fixed it).
In the course of life, we let each other down, and don’t
meet the expectations of those who are counting on us. If we seize the moment and own up, we make
strong resolutions, keep them and our relationships become ever so much deeper.
That was all last night.
Today, we are going to talk about something deeper than a relationship
that never had strained times. We’re
going to talk about something even deeper and more meaningful than a mended relationship. Today we are going to talk about the
relationship that isn’t yet mended.
Unconditional acceptance is so deep that even violations
can’t shake it.
Yom Kippur- Day of Atonement
Many people think of Yom Kippur as the “Day of Repentance”,
because they come to synagogue, read a bunch of times that they are sorry and
bang their chest a few times.
The truth though is that Yom Kippur is the “Day of
Atonement.”
The difference between repentance and atonement is: Repentance is me saying “I’m sorry”. Atonement is you saying, “I forgive you.”
The reason why Hashem says, “I forgive you”, the day of
atonement, is because it is the day of unconditional acceptance.
Love = Unconditional Acceptance
What is love?
Some people think it’s attraction and some might argue that
it’s hormones or infatuation.
A few years after being married, one of my friends told me
that he was reading a book about how love is really unconditional
acceptance. It took me years to
understand what this really means.
The reason why I had such a hard time understanding it is
because everyone has boundaries, and all relationships seem to have
expectations. G-d tells us he expects us
to live our lives according to Torah.
Parents expect their children to get good grades. Husbands expect their wives to keep their
stomachs full. Every relationship is
“conditional” and there are so many things that I won’t accept.
What happens when they don’t meet our expectations? Then where do we go? If my spouse is doing things that they knows
they shouldn’t be doing, why should I accept him/her? If my child has the talent but is just being
lazy and flunking school, why should I accept them?
You’ll probably answer that you can accept someone
without accepting what they do.
But what does that mean?
How can I accept you without accepting what you do?
Example: Mr. Rogers, “I like you just the way you are”
Mr. Rogers (who you all know I’m a big fan of) tells the
children in almost every episode, “I like you just the way you are”.
I started telling that to my children, but feelings of
fright enter my heart. I thought to
myself, “What if they decide to not be religious? What if they decide to steal? What if they decide to hurt people?” Will I still like them just the way they are?
If I like them the way they are without any conditions, I
may regret saying that later, if I don’t like what they do!
Answer: Achievement is outcome of acceptance, not cause
What I’m going to say now is something that you’ll have to
think about. If you just hear the words
without sitting on them and pondering them, you’ll probably say I’m flat out
wrong.
Achievement is the outcome of acceptance, not the
cause of it
What you answered me before was correct! You can accept someone without accepting
their behavior! You can like someone
just the way that they are without accepting them.
A fellow called me up yesterday and asked where services
will be. He said, “I have enough sins to
apologize for, so I need to go pray”.
Most of us know what our mistakes are. We know where we’ve gone wrong. If we don’t, then our problem is much bigger
than the mistakes themselves.
Stories about Murderers
Let’s take this to an extreme. In his book, How to Win Friends and
Influence People, Dale Carnegie writes numerous stories about serial
killers, who after being caught and interviewed in jail, honestly thought they
were freedom fighters that couldn’t hurt a fly!
I’ve been to jail to visit inmates. I’ve met these people. They are people just like you and me. They have done terrible things. They may have to be there for the rest of
their lives.
However, these same murderers, and robbers and villains have
a beautiful human side hidden underneath their sinister actions.
These are people who have been waiting years for someone to
say, “I like you the way you are!” When
someone can look inside and see that beautiful human, hidden underneath, that
itself empowers them to control themselves and change their ways.
Really?
You may be hearing what I’m saying, thinking to yourself,
“Rabbi, you’re out of your mind. These
people are the worst of society and no amount of positive thinking will revive
the victims and change their ways!”
However, I ask you the question, “What about your
mistakes? How do you treat your family?
What would help you become a better person?
Are you waiting for someone to accept you the way you are?
Who gets to see the worst of you?
I once heard of an exercise from a corporate management
coach. He helps big CEO’s do their job
better and motivate the people they oversee to bring out the best in them. He asks them, “who gets to see the best of
you, and who gets to see the worst of you?”
Almost always, the worst is seen by family.
So, we’re struggling to navigate this world as best we
can. We succeed and we fail. Some of our failures are by accident, some
are under pressure, and some of them, well, we’re just not ready to do! Some of us aren’t ready to put family first
and give them undivided attention. Sure
we know it’s best, but work is so important!
Because I love my family so much, I have to work to provide for
them. In the meantime, I come back
exhausted, have a short fuse and never seem to be present with them.
Unconditionally Accepting the Murderer
You know that harping on your shortcomings won’t make you a
better person. What you really want in
life is someone that appreciates you for who you are, or in Mr. Rogers’ words,
“I like you just the way you are.” The
murderer also wants someone who appreciates him for who he really is. He knows that there’s someone very special
underneath the mask of who everyone knows him to be.
The worse a person’s actions, the deeper you have to dig
I’m not saying that it’s easy to find the part of axe
murderer that you “like just the way they are.”
You have to dig deeper than their actions, deeper than giving or
accepting an apology. You have to find
that beautiful human soul buried beneath layers, and layers, and layers of
dysfunction and evil!
Finding this beautiful human soul is something that takes so
much work that you might want to start with your family. Your spouse, your children and your
parents. Once you have that you might
move on to friends and other people that you value your relationship with.
If you can master it with the important people in your life
and you really want to reach a new level, then try finding it in the axe
murderer.
The axe murderer is an extreme example, and the soul is
still there, but you don’t have to start with them.
Example from Anne Frank
In Anne Franks diary, you get a window into the life of a
girl that if she hadn’t been killed, would have just been a regular kid. In an interview, which you can find on
YouTube under Otto Frank, he talks about how he knew that Anne had the
diary. He knew that she wrote in
it. She made him promise, however, that
he wouldn’t read it, so he didn’t. Until
he found out that she died.
Upon reading this journal, he was shocked. He saw a totally different person that the
Anne that he knew, even though he had a good relationship with her! She was so self-aware and self-critical about
things that everyone knew, but Anne seemed to be completely unaware of.
Even though she made fun of things and seemed very light
headed, sometimes frivolous and not serious, the diary proved that she had a
very deep, introspective, and self-aware and critical side to her.
He may be too embarrassed to say it, but even the axe
murderer is terribly ashamed of his evil actions. He hates looking at that guy in the mirror,
just like you are embarrassed of how your wronged other people.
However, just like you’ll stop accepting your sins once
someone accepts you for who you are, this is the only hope for the murderer.
Day of Unconditional acceptance
Yom Kippur is that day of unconditional acceptance. It is a day for us to unconditionally accept
our spouses. It is a day to
unconditionally accept our children. It
is a day to unconditionally accept our parents.
It is also the day that G-d unconditionally accepts us. Yom Kippur is the day of atonement. G-d washes away our sins, not because we always
do the right thing, not because we even apologize and commit to never make
mistakes again, and not even because we are disgusted by what we did.
G-d gives us atonement because He unconditionally accepts
us. G-d likes us just the way we are,
and this empowers us to achieve, make the resolutions, yes change our ways,
and… unconditionally accept those that need it most, including G-d Himself.
Sermon 3 - Day of Sensitivity
Model off tone communication
[In off tone, loud and unregulated voice say] Thank you
everyone for coming. Right now we’re
about to start Neila which is the holiest prayer of the entire year!
[Back to normal tone] Hey, wait one second. Did you hear that my tone was completely
off? Did my voice sound like I was
completely out of touch with the crowd and that I shouldn’t even be a rabbi?
If that’s what was going through your mind, you’re spot on,
because we’re about to talk about Yom Kippur as the “Day of Sensitivity”.
Firstly, however, I’d like to review what we’ve spoke about
over the last 24 hours.
Summary of past two sermons
Last night we spoke about Yom Kippur being “The Day of I’m
Sorry”. When we wrong someone and want
to fix it, the first step is making a firm commitment not to go there
again. To truly fix the damage though,
the one asking forgiveness has to reach a new state of mind and become a new
person. The first step of “I’m sorry”
is, “Never again”. Keeping my commitment
not to violate you again is a good start, but until I’m so sorry that the mere
thought of violating is nauseating, the person who was wronged will never feel
total closure. That is what the real,
I’m sorry is.
That was last night.
Earlier today, we spoke about something deeper than a relationship that
never had strained times. We spoke about
something even deeper and more meaningful than a mended relationship. We spoke about the not yet mended
relationship. The word for that is: Unconditional acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is so deep that even
violations can’t shake it.
It’s like three kinds of fires
These three layers that we uncover through not making
mistakes, fixing mistakes, and unconditional acceptance are like three kinds of
fires. There is a flame. Flames are flashy, but they look hotter than
they are. You can even pass your hand
through a flame without burning yourself.
Flames are as deep as relationships that never had any problems. They are like newlyweds: Full of infatuation and hormones, but shallow
in real depth.
Then there is a coal.
Coals might not look hot, but they are much hotter and last longer than
flames. Hot coals are like a
relationship after being mended. Hot
coals are a husband and wife that have weathered the rough times, made mistakes
and found that their connection is deeper than getting everything right the
first time. However, take a coal and
throw it in the water. You’ll hear a
quick hiss, and then it’s out, as if it was never on. Even “I’m sorry” only goes so far. It only works so many times.
Then there is a flint stone.
Flint stones have fire in them too.
It is a fire that is so hot, and so deep, that even sitting under water
for a hundred years can’t extinguish it.
That is the ultimate model for a relationship. It was what guarantees a happy, long lasting
and true relationship. The flint stone represents Unconditional
acceptance. If I can come to
unconditionally accept my children, my spouse, my parents, and those people
that are truly close to me, then I’m on the road for a real special
relationship.
Woman says, I couldn’t be closer to my mother
A couple months ago, I buried a woman and have been helping
the family through grieving. The couple
was married for almost 70 years, and the husband was really struggling. While speaking with the daughter, she told me
about how much she loves her father.
“We couldn’t be closer,” she says to me. “We talk almost every day.”
“But,” she continues.
“I really don’t know what to say to my father. My mother was so difficult, and he’s still
struggling so much. I wish I knew what
to say to him, but we never really talked about feelings. We talk almost every day, but it’s all about
business and what we’re doing. I don’t
know how to help him through this hard time.
I don’t know what to say.”
This is not a one-time story
My dear friends. This
episode didn’t just happen once. Almost
every time that I help people through grief, I hear the same thing over and
over again.
Almost every time that I help people through end of life
issues, I get to see how dysfunctional almost every family is.
The solution is sensitivity
Please, listen to me.
The answer to all of this is sensitivity. Sensitivity is the answer to this daughter
and her father. Sensitivity is vital to
make a meaningful “I’m sorry”. Sensitivity
is crucial to accept your loved ones unconditionally.
Yom Kippur- A day of five souls & five prayers
I know that this crowd is not necessarily so
traditional. I know that you aren’t too
in to the Kabbalah yet, but I’d like to share something with you from the
Kabbalah.
The Kabbalah teaches that each Jew has five souls. They are called, נפש-רוח-נשמה-חיה-יחידה. These five souls are embedded in us, but on a
regular day, we only are in touch with the outer three נפש-רוח-נשמה-.
This is why Kabbalisticly,
we pray three times a day, in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Because we are only in touch with the bottom
three souls.
On Shabbos, first of the
month and Jewish holidays, we pray four prayers. Kabbalisticly this is because we are
connected with the חיה soul.
There is only one day a
year that we pray five prayers. The
fifth prayer is called Neila, and we are about to pray it now. Kabbalisticly, the reason for this fifth
prayer is because on this one day a year, Yom Kippur, we can all feel the יחידה.
יחידה is the soul
of Sensitivity
The reason why this is
the day of five prayers and five souls, is because it is the day of
sensitivity. It is the one day a year
that we are sensitive enough to feel that deepest part of our soul. It is the one day a year that we feel our יחידה. The יחידה is where unconditional acceptance comes from. יחידה is
where atonement comes from.
If Yom Kippur is only one day, what’s the point?
However, if I’m telling
you that Yom Kippur is one day a year that we are sensitive to this soul,
what’s the point. Yom Kippur is that one
day when even the most unreligious Jews feel the need to come out of the
woodwork. I know that you know what I
mean.
A Possible Answer- To Be Sensitive the Rest of the Year Is Our Work
One possible answer that
I thought of, is that Hashem makes us sensitive one day a year. If we want to retain that level of
sensitivity it has to be practiced and rehearsed.
If you didn’t hear that
my tone was off, maybe you aren’t sensitive enough. Maybe you talk like that too sometimes.
Story of Natanya Going to NY
Every year, Natanya goes
to NY for a convention. For the past few
years, she’s been staying at the same house.
This past year, while she was gone, we spoke on the phone and I asked
her about her convention. She responded
by telling me that in quantity it wasn’t as good, but in quality it was
better. She gave an example of Shabbos. She spent Shabbos at the same house as last
year, but this year wasn’t as enjoyable as last year. She told me that she couldn’t believe how
sarcastic the family was amongst themselves.
What she had an even harder time understanding is that she was at the
same house, with the same exact people the year before and didn’t notice
anything.
This past Year, Activities Have Been Down Because We’ve Been Working on Sensitivity
This past year, Natanya
and I have been learning a tremendous amount about relationships, communication
and mental health. We’ve learned that in
order to cope with the hardships of childhood and life, we desensitized
ourselves. Becoming desensitized has some
benefits. You aren’t as offended as
easily, you can cope with difficult people and it’s a skill that that is great
for the sales business, especially being a rabbi.
There’s a downside of
being desensitized though, namely that it’s horrible for relationships. It’s horrible for raising children, it’s
horrible for a spousal relationship, and it makes it hard to connect to people
on a deep level.
Answer why she didn’t notice sarcasm the year before
The only explanation that
Natanya could come up with for why this year she found the family to be so
sarcastic is because she was sensitized again!
They were the exact same people last year. It doesn’t make sense that they became so
sarcastic in one year. She was so
desensitized, that she didn’t even realize how bad it was the year before!
You may just think it’s
her, but when I went to NY a few months later for my convention, I decided to
spend time at my friends homes and observe their families. It was painful. Yes, painful is the word.
Examples of toxic communication styles.
I got to see how
sarcastic, transactional, out of touch, disrespectful, negative and volatile so
many of my friends are.
Please let me explain
some of these terms:
- Sarcasm- when people say something that they don’t mean seriously for the sole purpose of making someone feel bad or stupid, that’s called sarcastic.
- Transactional- When people say, “I love you, bye” before hanging up the phone, or communicate with family members in a businesslike way, like, “okay kids, it’s time to go. Please hurry up and get in the car quick”, or “okay, dinners on the table,” that is transactional. The message is being communicated but without any feeling.
- Out of touch- When people ask rhetorical questions or questions that show how clueless they are, this is out of touch. Things like, “so, how was school today?” show that you can’t read your child’s body language. If you are sensitive, you should know how their day was.
- Disrespectful- When people talk down to, or at, instead of to family members, that shows disrespect. If you think of conversation as a ping pong game, where the fun is in the back and forth, not in winning, you’re on the way to talking respectfully. There’s no fun in playing with someone that serves in a way that you’ll miss it. In conversation, keep track of how people respond to what you say.
- Volatile- As a parent of five children, I get overwhelmed, and children can be a handful. As I’ve become more sensitive, I’ve realized how unpredictable I can be. If I’m calm, I respond one way, and if I’m overwhelmed, I respond a different way. I’ve learned from doctors, that this type of parenting is actually the cause of anxiety in children that eventually grow up to be adults.
- Optimism- Are you always pulling up your family and assuring them that you believe in their capabilities, or do you pull them down?
- Tone of voice- So many people don’t even realize that when they talk that actually sound angry. If you grew up with someone like that, you probably desensitized yourself to it and may not even be aware that you sound the same way.
Story-Father Gave Son a Bloody Nose
A few weeks ago, I was at
an event for a family of our supporters.
They had a major lifecycle event in the family, and at the dinner, in
the course of conversation, the father told the story in jest of how he gave
his son a bloody nose while “disciplining” him.
And he thought it was funny!
Can you believe
this? A father wasn’t embarrassed to say
this publicly? It’s bad enough that he
doesn’t feel the sensitivity to treat his son with dignity, but to brag about
it in a public forum?!
The way to become more sensitive: You have to really want it
In my experience, the way
to accomplish anything is to really want it.
The way to become more sensitive, is to really, really want it. If you really want to become sensitive, and
you’re willing to give things up for it, especially your own pride, you can do
it.
A suggestion to help move
it along is having a culture of truth in your family. If family members know that you really want
to hear when you’ve said something off, when you sound angry or out of touch,
receiving their feedback is the only way.
Takeaway from This Yom Kippur
If there’s one thing that
I hope we can all take away from this Yom Kippur, it’s sensitivity. The “I’m sorry” from last night’s sermon will
only do the trick if we can actually feel the “I’m sorry”. The “unconditional acceptance” from this
morning will only work if we’re sensitive enough to know who we’re accepting.
The fifth soul, the flint
stone soul, that has been with us for the past 24 hours, is about to go back
under the water for another year. The
only way that it will be able to help us mend our relationships, is if we have
a super-strong desire, to become sensitive again, and allow this most delicate
soul, to impact us for the whole year.
Having Rachmonus on Hashem
One last thought. As
Natanya reviewed my first two sermons, she pointed out that I’ve almost
exclusively been talking about family relationships and haven’t been talking
about how G-d is atoning us for our sins to Him!
The truth of the matter is, that the principles are the
same, and yes, G-d has that sensitivity for us.
He forgives us because He accepts us unconditionally. This is what should motivate us to achieve
and deepen our relationship with Him!
You know, the world at large is on the road to becoming more
sensitive. Over the past few thousand
years, the world has become so much more tolerant. Tolerant enough? Absolutely not, and yes, some evils are even worse, especially on
the individual level. However, the world
at large is getting better. Knowledge
has never been so accessible. There has
never been a time in history with so little war. There have never been so many organizations
out there to help people. The world has
never been so sensitive to make sure that all buildings are inclusive and can
accommodate people with special needs.
The final frontier
is that the world will finally become sensitive to G-d. Right now, it’s not. If I talk about G-d, many people will just
zone out, because “is G-d really real?”.
If I’m not sure if I even know that He’s here, how could I be sensitive
to Him and care about His feelings? Yes,
G-d has feelings too!
If I talk about children, parents or spouses, everyone can
agree with me that we need to become more sensitive and improve our
relationships. If I were to talk about
G-d, however, people could start rolling their eyes.
My final blessing for all of us, is that the most important
relationship that we could have, the relationship that gives us the drive, the
strength and the courage to do the hard work and improve all of our other
relationships, should blossom. Yes, I
mean that we should be sensitive to the creator of the universe and mend our relationship
with Him, to the point that it’ll be more meaningful than any other
relationship that we have.
In these last few moments of golus, before Moshiach comes,
the most wonderful thing we could do, is sensitize ourselves and work on
developing a meaningful, deep and accept unconditionally, the One who created
the world, Hashem our G-d.
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